Numbers Knowledge

What are the odds? Actually, I know what the odds are. What I’d really like to know is what are the evens?

No Feathers

My problem is I always get my hopes down.

Paranoid Or Paranormal?

You’re damn right I’m afraid of my own shadow! Don’t you think it’s suspicious that it’s always following me?

Foot Work

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And ends with a lot of blisters.


If the shoe fits, don’t worry if the socks don’t match.

That’s Just Great

If you’re that impressed with sliced bread, you need to get out more.

Good Point

After I’m done pinning the tail on the donkey, I always pin the blame on the donkey too. That’s called multi-tasking.

Looking Back And Both Ways

It’s okay to feel nostalgic once in a while, but be careful you don’t get run down on memory lane.

Sit! Smile!

My dog’s bark is much worse than his bite. Those doggie braces were worth every penny!

Close Call

I once had too much of a good thing, but luckily it was within the margin of error.

Now Cut That Out

If you’re on a long losing streak, maybe you should stop trying to hedge your bets and just stick to hedging your hedges.

Something, Anyway

A lot of people tell me I’m not as bad as I look on paper.

Here To Help

You look like you could use a friend. Or a drink. Or even better, a friend who drinks.

Really Catchy

I hate having a tuna stuck in my head.


I went around, then I came around. The coming was better than the wenting.

Close Call

We almost ran out of cliches. Luckily, we had saved some for a rainy day.


If opportunity comes knocking, don’t answer the door. It’s probably because she’s knocked up.

Far Enough

I would go to the ends of the earth for you, but I won’t jump off the edge.


I was voted most likely to not vote.

Done And Done

I put up and I shut up. I like to cover all my bases.

Go Right Ahead

Some people have a can-do attitude. I have a can’t-somebody-else-do-it attitude.

Covering My Bases

I never make promises I can’t keep, but I do keep promises I never made.

Looks Familiar

Does the guy who writes fortune cookies ever open one that he wrote when he’s out to dinner? And does he believe it?

Perfect Pitch

I don’t care if you like to throw good money after bad, or if you like throw bad money after good. Just make sure you throw it all at me.

Almost Perfect Fit

I feel like a round peg in a round hole, and I’m still not happy.

Wooly Bully

I could tell they weren’t really that upset with me, because they threw me to the sheep.

Picky Pocket

I never steal jokes. And when I do, I only steal the ones I think are funny.

Beam Me Out Of Here

I finished watching a Star Trek marathon and then tried to boldly go where no man has gone before. Did not turn out well.

Take What I Can Get

She done me wrong. I don’t care. At least she done me.

Close Enough

To paraphrase an old song, my life is just a bowl of prunes.

Duck Duck

A standing duck doesn’t have much of a chance either when you have a fucking gun.

Elimination Extremus

I understand that shit happens, but does it always have to be diarrhea?


What do you do when you’re really good at checkers but life is a game of chess?

All In

Don’t complain about the cards you’ve been dealt when you’re the one who dealt them.

Check Up

My doctor offered me a clean bill of health. Unfortunately, it’s going to cost me an arm and a leg.

Mixed And Unmatched

The world is a tuxedo, and I’m a pair of brown shoes.

Favorite Position

I perform best when my back is against the wall. I get nervous when people stare at my butt.


That’s either a typo or you really have a filthy mind.

What’s Your Major?

You can learn just about everything you need to know about belly buttons at the Navel Academy.

Bureaucracy 101

Please remember to fill in the blanks, connect the dots, dot your i’s, cross your t’s, check your spelling, check your coat, count your chickens, count your blessings, count to ten and do it again.


Someone told to stick it where the sun don’t shine. Damn! Now I have to fly all the way to Seattle.

Now You See It

When you stand up, where does your lap go?

Follow Me Now

This could be the beginning of the end. Or it could be the end of the beginning. Or it could be the beginning of the beginning. Or it could be the end of the end. Or it could be a big waste of time. I’ll let you know at the end. Or at the beginning…. [Read More]

Keeping An Eye Out

They told me, if you see something, say something. Okay. Something! Something! Hope that helped.

Perchance To Dream

The sands of time wait for no man. Even the sand man?

Short Memory

Even if you’ve heard this one, don’t stop me. I haven’t heard it.

Watch What You Say

If you can’t speak ill of the dead, is it okay to speak ill of the ill? Just asking.


You know you’ve really hit rock bottom when you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel and you say, “Just you wait, I’m going to get to the bottom of this!”

Half The Battle

Once you get the envelope outside of the box, it’s much easier to push.

Time Saver

If at first you don’t succeed, cheat.


What is the foundation of a good marriage? Have you tried cement?


Show me an atheist who likes to pontificate about atheism, and I’ll show you an ex-Catholic.

The Dotted Line

My kids had me sign a document today. It’s called a DNR. They said it stands for Dad Needs Rest. Those little scamps are always thinking about me!


I couldn’t find a recipe for disaster, so I guess I’ll just have to wing it.

Mums The Word

If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all. Oh yeah, that will fool everybody.

Close Call

So, you’re saying if Clark Kent had worn contact lenses, everyone would have known right away that he was Superman? Damn! You’re right!

Got A Light?

I didn’t win, but I was so extremely close they gave me a cigar butt.


There’s no time like the present. Except for the past. Oh, and the future.


I ain’t seen hide nor hair of him in a long time. Thank God. Especially the hide part.

Unfunny Gag

That’s going to be a difficult pillow to swallow. Damn it! I hate this dream!

Face It

I don’t want to say I told you so. So I won’t. But I did.

Take Note

That’s music to my ears. Which is fine, but what I really want is music to my butt.

And On Keyboard

It’s a little known fact, but Mozart didn’t know how to play Chopsticks.

Something Like That

To err is human, to fart, sublime.

Nary A Peep

If you have an apartment to rent, consider a dead person. They’re nice and quiet and tend to keep to themselves.

Zip It And Click It

If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything at all. Just unfriend them.

That’s More Like It

I hate being bamboozled. But I sure do enjoy being boozled.

Art Aficionado

A lot of people outside of the art world don’t know this, but Andy Warhol didn’t even like soup.

No Thanks, I’ve Got It

With all due respect, assisted suicide is for pussies.

Six Of One

If you’ve got it, flaunt it. If you ain’t got it, fake it.


Hey God, maybe next time instead of writing the Ten Commandments in stone, just text them. Just sayin’.


Oh, make no mistake, I was plenty smart enough to go to one of those fancy Ivy League schools. I just wasn’t fancy enough.

Dress For Success

I wouldn’t mind being a lab rat as long as I get to wear a little white coat.

Carpe Diem

If you want to be really successful in this world you need to seize the day! Or at least get out of bed.

The Spice of Life

I think zombies would look a lot healthier if they had a more balanced diet. Oh, and if they bought some new clothes.


It just warms the cockles of my heart. Microwave ovens sure are convenient.


At this point in my life, it’s nice to rest on my laurels. Oh that’s right, I never had any.

Personal Preference

I don’t need any more of your lip. But I’ll take some more tongue if you don’t mind.

Double Whammy

I’m a little worried about my son. My wife was sitting on the back of a turnip truck yesterday and went into labor. The kid popped out and fell off the truck. He wasn’t hurt, but I’m afraid people might take advantage of him.

All Yours

I gave you the best years of my life. I don’t mind. I wasn’t using them anyway.

Career Advancement

You really need to keep on your toes if you want to be a successful peeping Tom.

What’s Up, Doc?

Physician, overcharge thyself.

I Need That Like

Sometimes if I’m bored out of my skull, I’ll get a drill and bore into my skull just to break the monotony.

My Peeps

I’ve found that it’s actually much more fun to keep the riffraff in.

White Rabbit

Is there any wonder why Alice spent so much time in Wonderland?

Wicked Slice

In my family I was the middle child. So it came as no surprise that when I grew up I became the middle man. I guess that explains why my parents, in order to save money, cut me out of the will.

Life Lessons

Everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten. Of course, I spent six years there. That may have had something to do with it.


Sometimes when I’m at a party, I feel like I’m trapped like a rat. I don’t mind being surrounded be cheese platters, but I hate having to share them with the other rats.

Heads Up

My favorite part of high school was playing dodgeball. I guess I just liked the attention. They used me as the ball.

That Explains It

I just found out the universe is expanding. No wonder I feel tired all the time.


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I… wrote a poem about it and actually got paid money for it!

Something Anyway

Every night I curl up in bed with a good book. I never have sex, but at least I’m never at a loss for words.


I don’t mind being at a party and feeling like a fish out of water. What I hate is feeling like a fish out of booze.

Tick Tick Tick

Today is just the tomorrow you were worrying about yesterday.

Such A Deal

Talk is cheap. But if you really want to save money, mumble.

Word Play

Oh sure, he talks a good game, but the only game he knows is Scrabble.


If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, it could be the train. So good luck.

Giving Up

Quite often I find that it’s hard to finish something I’ve started. I’m easier sad than done.

Nattily Attired

Do rich kids wear hand-me-ups?


You think I’m scary now? Believe me, you don’t want to see me when I’m in a good mood.

Day In Day Out

If it wasn’t for bad habits, I wouldn’t have any habits at all.

Hell Of A Read

The devil is in the details. Which isn’t surprising if you’ve ever read the U.S tax code.

Pot Luck

Oh boo hoo! Why don’t we have a pity party? Okay, you bring the pity, I’ll bring the hummus.

Don’t Put Yourself Out

You know you’re really lazy if you just email it in.

Medical Monikers

You know what they call the person who graduated first in their medical school class? Doctor. You know what they call the person who graduated last in their medical school class? Doctor Dumbshit.

Sage Advice

Never ask a woman her age. And don’t saw her in half and count her rings! That’s frowned upon too.

Just A Nibble

We’re getting nowhere fast. Maybe we should try eating something.

Darn Young Whippersnappers

The trouble with kids today is they don’t understand the value of a dollar. Also, they never want to wear their galoshes when they go outside.

Believe It Or Not

I started a new religion just for men. I call it hisism.

So Annoying

It was nip and tuck, nip and tuck all the way. Don’t you hate it when you’re nips keep popping out?

Tit For Tat

He told me he was just pulling my leg. I told him I was just punching his face.


If you’re one of those people who’s always pushing the envelope, do you ever stop to think about how the envelope feels about it?


I died and didn’t see the light, so I came back. Technically, that’s considered a near-death inexperience.

Poor Taste

The proof is in the pudding. At least I think it’s the proof. It’s chocolate pudding, so it might be the poop is in the pudding. I’ll let you know when I’m done.

The Sartorial Scene

I have to admit I’ve never seen a wolf in sheep’s clothing. And I’ve never seen a sheep in wolf’s clothing. I guess I need to get out more.

It Really Is A Wonderful Life

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Not to mention, the pizza guy is at the door!

Just Blew My Mind

Wait, if matter = energy, then energy = matter! Far out, man!

Play It Again, George

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.


Of course people think Einstein was smart. Why do you think they call him Einstein?


Call me paranoid, but I’m beginning to think this mental institution I’m in is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Dual Persuasion

To get your girlfriend to say yes, you might have to use the carat and the dick.

Musical Ups And Downs

If you don’t like elevator music, you’re really going to hate escalator music.

Bottoms Up

If you meet someone at a party who has a bubbly personality, it might be because of the champagne. Or it could be the bean dip.


Someone told me to put it in my pipe and smoke it. I tried but it wouldn’t fit. Can I help it if I have a small pipe?

This Stinks

You think by giving me a fish that you’re feeding me for a day? Who the hell can go all day just eating one lousy fish?

Religion Lite

The best thing about being a practicing atheist is that you don’t have to practice very much.


Not by the hair on your chinny chin chin. Please tell me that’s your chin.


Sliced pizza is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Nice Ride

If I would have had the Popemobile when I was a teenager, I could have picked up a lot more chicks. Or maybe even one.

Heavenly Welcome

What would I like God to say to me when I get to the pearly gates? “Marilyn Monroe hasn’t had sex since she got here. She’s been waiting for you.”

The Urge

To be or not to be, that is the question. At my age the more apt question is, to pee or not to pee.

Art & Literature

I saw the writing on the wall. And there was a drawing too. Actually, I added the drawing. There’s not a lot to do when you’re just sitting there.

Shallow Pockets

When I’m feeling a little tipsy, I always come to my senses and let someone else pick up the check.

It Matters

I like a comedian if he’s really funny, but not if his shtick is too long.

Dark And Deep

I can’t see the forest for the trees. The trees need to open their damn eyes and look for themselves.


If you want me to wait for you with bated breath, don’t complain about the taste of worms if we kiss.

Poetic Paraphrase

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Okay, you’re hot and sticky.

Slow Motion

Nice guys finish last. That’s what she said.

The Yolks On You

If you count your chickens before they hatch, you could end up with egg on your face.

Ah Do Declare

I could never figure out what went with the wind. And, frankly, I don’t give a damn.

A Son By Any Other Name

I just found out Shakespeare actually named his son Hamnet. I’m guessing the kid would have preferred Romeo.


I haven’t had a lot of casual sex, but I’ve had more than my fair share of casualty sex.

Starting Over

The end of civilization as we know it might not be such a bad idea.

Health Nut

I don’t need to go to the doctor. I’m independently healthy.

Sugar Substitute

If cotton candy were actually made out of cotton, it would probably be healthier for you.


There were actually eight dwarfs, but Snow White would never let Swishy out of the closet.

Ooh La La

I’ve never looked a gift horse in the mouth, but I’ve French kissed a mule. What? Too much information?

Sexy Slumber

Every time I sleep like a log, I wake up with wood. Coincidence?

Inconvenient Memory

The 1930’s was the golden age of Hollywood. The 1950’s was the golden age of television. I’m sorry, did I say golden? I meant white.

Take Me To The Cleaners

I have a pressing engagement. That’s what I get for wanting to marry someone in the laundry business.

Day Off

I’m tired of working my fingers to the bone. It’s time to work my fingers on my bone.

Philosophic Farts

I stink, therefore I blame the Spam.


Normally, I would refuse to associate with someone of your ilk. But I just checked, and I’m completely out of ilk.


If you’re at restaurant and your waiter is a bald guy with a ponytail, don’t ask him for a recommendation.

Count Me In

If you can’t lick ’em, join ’em. I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds really, really dirty.


I’m training for a marathon. I’ve been eating pizza, potato chips, and popcorn and drinking a lot of beer. Nothing better than a Three Stooges Marathon!


I went to a party and felt like I was sticking out like a sore thumb. So I gave everyone the finger and left.

Now Look Out

When push comes to shove, you know he’s really pissed off.

Feline Phenomenon

Considering the fact that there’s more than one way to skin a cat, it’s rather surprising you don’t see more skinned cats.


When I was a kid my mother actually encouraged me to run with scissors. They were the only friends I had.

Picky, Picky

If you always pick none of the above, don’t be surprised if some of the above get jealous.


I’ve got it bad and that ain’t good. The only consolation is that she has it too and it’s even worse.

Where, Where

Gertrude Stein said, “There’s no there there.” And by there she meant penis.


My kingdom for a horse. Or a whore. That’s even better. A king has his needs.


People know I’m serious because I always put my money where my mouth is. The downside is my ass is like a slot machine.


I actually prefer turning over old leaves. I don’t like surprises.


I told her, “Hey, sometimes small things come in good packages!” Haven’t seen her since.

Il Papa

Is the Pope Catholic? Who cares? The dude is one sharp dresser!

Um, Um, Um

Not only was I at a loss for words, I couldn’t even come up with a lousy syllable.

Two To Tango

It’s better to have loved and lost than to sit around jerking off all the time.

Just Keep Moving

The one thing Jesus regrets is the time he stopped to smell the roses and ended up with a crown of thorns.

One Day At A Time

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. If you don’t screw it up, maybe we’ll let you have another one tomorrow.

The Bard Does It Again

If you have a roomful of computers and a bunch of monkeys and an infinite amount of time, eventually they will produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Or you could just get Shakespeare himself and some quill pens and some ink and some paper and about twenty years and get it over with, and fuck… [Read More]

Do The Math

Almost getting there is forty per cent of the fun.


You can always trust a person who has a firm handshake. Except for pirates.


Last night I had to count sheep in order to fall asleep so I could get up this morning to pull the wool over somebody’s eyes.


It’s funny, I never thought I would say this, but I actually say this a lot. See, I just said it twice in one sentence.

Maybe Stop Chooing

And never the twain shall meet. I think it wan off the twacks.


It’s not enough just to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk too? Forget it. Too much trouble.


I hate to bring up a sores subject, but how’s your herpes?


Cross my heart and hope to die. I know, I’m pretty much a wimp when it comes to suicide.

So You Were Wrong

I could run, and I could hide. That’s called multi-tasking.

Tearing Down

If you cry over spilt milk long enough, eventually you end up with low-fat milk.

Tough Life

We were so rich, when my father wanted to get depressed, he was driven to despair by our chauffeur.

Fall Training

I always like to spend a few weeks in Florida or Arizona before the flu season begins.

Catch A Show, Or Something

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except for herpes.


Actually, it seems like you could make a lot of money if you were able to make mountains out of mole hills.


What would Jesus do? I’m hoping some sort of cool miracle!

Second Guessing

Okay, call me an old curmudgeon, but if I had been there, I wouldn’t have done that.

Not In Cheek

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. Hey, give the old broad some credit. At her age she still sees some tongue every day.

Can You Dig It?

Okay, if we’re really serious about recycling, I think we need to include coffins.

Flipping The Proverbial Coin

Your guess is as good as mine. I guess.


I’m a finicky eater. But only if the finicky is organic.

Bliss Amiss

If you’re happy with the status quo, may be time to brush up on your Latin.

Getting Away With It

Andy Warhol was a great artist. Wait, did I say great? I meant con.

No Apptitude

I don’t use any of those dating apps. Mostly because I’m married, but also because I don’t swipe left or right, I swipe front to back.

Seeing The Light

It’s always darkest before you open your eyes.


If I didn’t know any better, I’d probably have a lot more fun.


When I go on vacation, I always like to pack at least one wallop. Just in case.

Nice Try

I really suck at grasping at straws.


If you’re going to butter me up, I hope it’s not because I’m toast.


If you finish everything on your plate, then all you have is an empty plate.


Even if you have good health insurance, leprosy can still cost you an arm and a leg.

Enough Already

If it’s not one thing, it’s a bother.

Yea Or Neigh

A centaur: a man and a horse’s ass. Isn’t that redundant?

Barely Covered

My health insurance company is so cheap, the last time I was in the hospital I got a blood transfusion from a turnip.

Big Tent Believer

I’m an atheist, but I’m not narrow-minded. I say what the hell, the Mormon the merrier.

Angling Advice

If you go fishing for compliments, make sure your worm isn’t hanging out.

That’s Show Biz

I don’t know if you saw Custer’s last stand-up. Talk about a tough crowd.

These Are The Good Old Days

Okay, it’s true that women only make about 70% of what men make in this country, but men aren’t tying them to railroad tracks so much anymore. That’s called progress.

Wink, Wink

How do you decide which eye to wink with? If you wink with the left eye does that have a different meaning than the right eye? If so, what is it?


The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. I guess it washed away their make-up.


I don’t mind minding my own business. I also think thinking is a lot of fun. And I quit quitting a long time ago.

Quid Pro Quo

If you swallow my pride, I’ll swallow yours.

Don’t Ask

I’m often asked, where do you get your ideas from? I often reply, none of your fucking business!


A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Actually, if there is a bird in your bush, please seek medical attention immediately.

Hang On

My first marriage was an emotional roller coaster. Ups and downs. Excitement. Thrills. And a lot of throwing up.

The Common Man

Can you imagine how depressing it would be to be a below average Joe?


If you think the good old days were good, you weren’t there.

Nice Duds

Okay, I like to pontificate. I only do it so I can wear those great hats!

Say So

“It ain’t over till it’s over.” – Yogi Berra.  “It ain’t over till I shit in the woods.” – Yogi Bear.

The Write Stuff

You too can be a successful comedy writer! All you need is plenty of puns and paper.


Actually, it isn’t nice to talk about an elephant who is not in the room either.

Remembrance Of Things Past

Someday, if all my dreams come true, I will spend all of my time trying to remember the combination of the lock on my high school locker.


When you use one of those hand dryers in a public restroom, is that considered a hand job and a blow job? I’m just asking.

Still Expecting Expectorate

You just don’t see spittoons anymore. Why is that? People still spit, don’t they?


Taking candy from a baby is not very nice, but it’s better than shooting them in a barrel.

Too Punny?

I guess the Chairman of the Board of General Electric is the electric chair.

Sex And The Solar System

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Oh, and some men are interested in Uranus.


I’ve got some good booze and some bad booze. And that’s the good news!

Somebody’s Gotta Do It

Sometimes the bottom of the barrel needs to be scraped.


Just my luck. I got jumped by conclusions.

What Was I Saying?

It’s hard to keep track of things when you keep losing your train of thought.

Clean Desk

I found a great way to save time. I decided to put my in box into my out box.

Tough Talk

You make your living with your hand up someone’s ass, and I’m the dummy?

Don’t Settle

If you’re going to spend all that time looking, you might as well look for a cloud with a gold lining.


If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. Thank you, don’t mind if I do.

Head Start

If someone says they’re willing to meet you half way, they’re probably already there.

Talking Real Money

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel, I would have had twice as many nickels. That’s called math.

Do Unto Others

I once gave a sucker an even break. And you know what? He really appreciated it.


I was sad because I was disgruntled. Then I met a man who was gruntled.

Giving Up

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Doc Doubts

One of the scariest moments of my life was when my doctor was giving me a prostate exam and he suddenly yelled out, “I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies!”

Just Relax

I was so excited at my funeral, I guess I just got carried away.


Personally, I like to take names first and then kick ass. But that’s just me.

Don’t Complain

Actually, getting the short end of the stick might not be such a bad thing, depending on where the stick is being stuck.

Ignorance Is Bliss

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I don’t even know one way to skin a cat.


Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard and found her dog playing with his bone. Now she’s dead.

The Simple Truth

Enough is never enough.

Philosophic Feces Question

When the shit hits the fan, is it worse for the shit or the fan? Worrying about stuff like this keeps me awake at night.


I have  a tendency to exaggerate. I do, I really, really do. I mean really really really exaggerate. In fact, I am the greatest exaggerator who ever lived, ever. In the whole world. In the whole universe. Really.

Words Matter

I don’t want to sound like a racist, but I like to run with other people and see who’s the fastest.

Porcine Packages

You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Well, then, how about a cheap wallet?

Who’s There?

Wearing a mask to hide the pain doesn’t make the pain go away.


What’s that, Lassie? Timmy fell down the well? You never did like Timmy, did you, Lassie? We never did either. Good dog! Good dog! Here’s a biscuit!


I’ve decided to give up Lent for Lent.

Thinking Big

My goal in life is to bring about world peace. Or have a serious mental disorder named after me. Either one.

Looking Good

Where I come from, we had an old saying: “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. But add a miniskirt and high heels, then you really have something!” I’m sort of glad I moved away.

What’s Mine Is Yours

To each his own. Unless his wife knows a great divorce lawyer.


Little known historical fact: Caesar didn’t even like salad. He actually preferred soup.


If women aren’t afraid to ask for the directions when they’re lost, how do you explain Amelia Earhart?


When the tail starts wagging the dog, the dog needs to get back on his medication.

Taking Charge

Sometimes you have to grab the bull by the horns. Or the balls. That works too.

Getting Close To The Finish Line

Young people drive really fast, and old people drive really slowly. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? It’s the old people who probably don’t have much time left. You need to step on it, geezers!

But Don’t Catch Anything

Whether you’re a fisherman or not, all it takes is one good nibbling on your worm and you’re hooked.

Don’t Go Out Of Your Way

Gumby told me he would bend over backwards for me. I said, “Big deal.”


If a tree falls in the forest and someone is there to hear it, does that make the tree feel any better?

What Are The Odds?

Does a snowball have much of a chance in heaven either?

It’s A Living

Charity begins at home. Then she goes out and works the streets.


Lewis and Clark were notorious expeditionists.

Head Shot

Parting is such sweet sorrow. Especially if you’re bald.

Golf Etiquette

Putting the cart before the horse is bad, but putting before the horse is even worse if he’s away.


Facing the future is easier if you forget the past.

Time On Their Paws

Cats seem to have a lot of free time, but not a lot of ambition. I think it has something to do with the whole nine lives thing.


I’ve been cheating on my diet. And I started looking so disgusting that my diet left me.

Dullsville Man

Just once I’d like to meet a robot with some personality.

Nil Will Power

Lead us not into temptation. Well, okay, if you insist.

Hopes And Dreams

You know what I want to do when I grow up? Not grow up.

Loss For Words

I always get tongue-tied when I’m around women. I’m making progress. They use to hog-tie me.


Is there anything more boring than reality?

Holy Query

If I ever get to heaven, the first thing I’m going to ask Jesus is, “What does the H stand for?”.

Hen Hacked

I had this chicken, and I cut off his head. He did not run around like crazy. So much for that old adage. (note: I did cut off his legs first.)


I’m writing a play. I don’t want to be the toast of Broadway. I’d just like to pick up a few crumbs here and there.


Okay, I admit it. I’m a compulsive liar. I am. I really am. What, you don’t believe me? I’m telling you, you can’t believe a word I say. Oh, all right, I’m not a liar. I was just saying that. Really. It’s true.

Better Look It Up

I’m not the tipe to kis and spel. At leest, not wel.


Bring me the head of John The Baptist on a platter! I’m sorry, I meant could you pass that tray of hors d’oeuvres?

Write Off

If you sell your soul to the devil, make sure you get a receipt. It’s tax deductible.

I’ve Had It

I’m also getting tired of the new runaround.

No Contest

I beg to differ. It sure beats the hell out of working to differ.

About Time

You know, I wasn’t born yesterday. Man, I really need to wash off this placenta.

History Lesson

Prohibition ended in 1933 when President Franklin Roosevelt declared to a grateful nation, “The only thing we have is beer itself!” You can look it up. You won’t find it, but you can look it up.

Laughing Matter

Farts always make me chuckle. Let me rephrase that. The subject of farts always makes me chuckle.

Just Once

It would be nice to hear someone singing about the place where the deer and the antelope work.

Diet Advice

If you open up a can of worms, you’re going to lose your appetite.


You win some, you lose some. I win some, I booze some.

I Have My Limits

I don’t mind a fly in my soup, unless it has ointment on its feet.

Don’t Get Comfortable

Never trust a psychiatrist whose couch is a waterbed.

Literary Land

Robert Frost said good fences make good neighbors. His neighbors said he was sort of an asshole.

Already Gone

You can twist my words, but you can’t twist my mind. Too late for that.


Somewhere in the world right now there’s a shoe on the other foot.

Drinking To Forget

I tried to drown my sorrows, but wouldn’t you know it? Those little bastards could swim!

Bad Shape

If you’re all strung out, you’re probably not looking fit as a fiddle.

Bad Genes

Everyone always told me I was the spitting image of my Uncle Phlegm.


I didn’t know you had it in you. If I had, I would have worn gloves.

Time For A Change

If you’re not seeing eye to eye with your seeing eye dog, should you try a seeing eye cat?

Tight Squeeze

Verily, I say unto you: it’s not easy for a rich camel to enter the kingdom of heaven. Or something like that.

On My Trail

I don’t have a good track record when it comes to women. I sneak out but they keep tracking me down.

Nice Try

You can run but your butt can’t hide.

Don’t Complain

If you think the short end of the stick is bad, obviously you’ve never had the fat end.


I like to root for money and evil.

Taking The Heat

You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell. But then, who does?

Tree Romance

I was pining for her and she was pining for me. So we got married and lived sappily ever after.

Wake Up

It’s hard to bring your ‘A’ game when you spend a lot of time catching ‘Z’s.


A friend in need is a pain in the ass.

Dollar Dialogue

Oh yeah, money talks all right. I’ve heard it. The last thing it said was, “So long, sucker!”

Still Looking

I thought about getting a boob job, but nobody was hiring.

Old Joke

What did the thread say to the needle? Don’t mind me, I’m just passing through.

Next Best Thing

I found out I couldn’t fight City Hall, so I made a prank call to the public library instead.

Neighborly Advice

Why do I have to keep up with the Joneses? Hey, Joneses, try keeping up with me, bitches!


I was unhappy because I didn’t have enough stuff. Then I saw a man who had more stuff than me, and realized that he was even more unhappy than I was. So I took all his stuff. And you know what? That ungrateful bastard is still unhappy!


I sneezed near an atheist once and he said, “You’re on your own!”

Innie? Outie?

Do clones have belly buttons?

Rat Pack Repartee

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they get up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel the whole goddamn day.”  — Frank Sinatra “What’s morning?”  — Dean Martin “Who are Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin?”  — my kids

Time Travel

Repeat after me. Or for you psychics out there, repeat before me.

Feline Frolics

How did the cat get in the bag in the first place?

Personal Preference

I’d like to be a fly on the wall. It’s better than being a fly on a pile of shit.

Wait, what?

I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t paying attention to myself.


The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side, only to find the egg had gotten there first.

Mais Oui

You know what they call diarrhea in France? Deja poo.


Yeah, cloud nine is pretty good. But cloud sixty-nine, now that’s a cloud!


Some people have all the luck. What they do with it is another story.

Little Pricks

I don’t mind people getting under my skin if they’ve had all their shots.

Poultry Prejudice

I don’t even count my chickens after they’re hatched. Fuck ’em. They’re out of the shell, let them count themselves. Lazy damn chickens.


If you take a good luck at Jack, you can tell he doesn’t think any better outside the box than inside.

Stop Drooling

You can tell where our priorities are in this country when we can cure bacon but not cancer.

You Betcha

Against all odds I’ve developed a cure for my gambling addiction.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame me. Fool me three times… okay, now this is getting embarrassing.


Wait, make-up sex is when we have a fight and break up and then get back together and celebrate by having great sex? It’s not when we both put on make-up and have sex? Oh.

More Advice

One good rule of thumb is never put your thumb somewhere where thumbs shouldn’t go.


Your good looks will only get you so far. Wealth, fame, success. Is that far enough?

Lack Of Characters

And that was all she wrote. She actually wanted to say more, but it was on Twitter.

So I’ve Heard

Actually, some people hardly ever talk about the weather.


Johnny Cash shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Oh yeah? Well, I fucked a guy in Vegas just to watch him cry.

Could Be Worse

If they chew you up and spit you out, I guess be thankful they didn’t swallow you.

Beats Me

Nuff said. Who’s Nuff?

Things To Do Do

If you can’t read the writing on the wall, shit and get off the pot and get some glasses.

My Mistake

I once let a sleeping dog lie. Now I can never get a straight answer out of him.

Either Or

If you can’t lick ’em, join ’em. If you can lick ’em, more power to ya.

Somebody’s Gotta Do It

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Uh, Jesus, I believe that’s you.

Quid Pro Quo No

You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. But, sorry, not your balls.

What We Have Here

We had a Platonic relationship. Everything she ever said was Greek to me.

More Math

Six of one, half dozen of the other really adds up after a while.

Beats Me

If it’s neither here nor there, why are we talking about it?

Semantically Speaking

If masturbation gets out of hand, is it still masturbation?

Money Matters

I guess I’ll have to foot the bill. If my lazy-ass foot would get a job, I could bill the foot.

Feline Fancier

Cat got your tongue? Serves you right, you sicko. Teach you to French kiss a cat.


The wisest advice I ever got was from a trapeze artist who told me, “There comes a point in your life when you have to let go.”

Don’t Tell

When depressed people have a big secret they say, “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill myself.”

Proverbially Speaking

I think the meek should be pretty pissed off at what we’re doing to the thing that they’re supposed to inherit.

State Of Things

Florida: it’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.

Can’t Get Enough

Man cannot live by bread alone. But pizza, I think we can all agree, would be no problem.

Good Boy

That dog won’t hunt. He’ll hump your leg all night, but he won’t hunt.


Be the best you can be. If that doesn’t work, just face it, you suck.

Age Doesn’t Matter

A young fuddy-duddy is nothing to write home about either.

Take That

If someone gives you a suppository and tells you to go stick it up your ass, how do you know if they’re mad at you about something or just trying to be helpful?


Rubic. You know, the guy with the cube? I think the dude was just fucking with us.

Bad Habit

Okay, okay, I admit it. When no one is around I like to chew the cud.

Bloody Nonsense

Bullfighting is bullshit.

Will Power

If Shakespeare had had a computer, he would never have gotten any work done.

Easy Going

I take everything with a grain of salt. And about three shots of booze.

Attention Deficit

I tried letting it all hang out once. No one noticed.

That’s Just Me

I’d rather be a doormat than a doorknob. I don’t mind being covered in dirt and mud. But having people touch me with their bare hands? Yuk!


If you can’t hold your liquor, good luck holding your tongue.

Elementary Advice

Remember, kids, if you go to a Catholic school, drugs are okay, but say no to hugs.

I Knew It

Everything happens for a reason. And the reason is the universe is against me.

Doesn’t Make Sense

Why is smelling out of both sides of your nose okay, but talking out of both sides of your mouth isn’t?

Crazy Dessert

Which is worse? Being nuttier than a fruitcake or fruitier than a nut cake?

Oh Yeah, Baby

Do masochists purposely get themselves fired from jobs so they can let the door hit them on the ass on the way out?

Wind Instrument

I don’t like to brag, but I can fart The William Tell Overture. Okay, I like to brag a little.

One Or The Other

I don’t know the difference between a stalactite and stalagmite. I guess I haven’t been living in a cave all my life.

The Mirror

Sometimes you have to face the facts, sometimes you have to face the music, sometimes you may even have to face the firing squad, but the hardest thing you’ll ever have to face is your own doubting face.

Such A Bother

Actually, I like someone putting words in my mouth. It’s way too much trouble if I have to do it.

Who’s A Fool, Fool?

You think just because you gave me a sweater for my birthday you can pull the wool over my eyes?


I have to be careful what I say around my skin. It’s very sensitive.


I say forgive and forget and live and let live. Unless you want to get ahead. Then screw everybody.


An ass’s ass is a half ass idea.

One Small Step

Believe me, if I had a best foot I would put it forward.


If there’s one thing that really gets my goat is when I send my limo to pick him up.

No Thanks

I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t want to be in your socks or underwear either.


It’s never too late to realize that, yes, it is too late.


No wonder I didn’t understand it. It’s rocket surgery, not brain science!

A Little Alliteration Levity

Do you think every once in a while Tom Hanks has a hankering for a handkerchief?

Adage Addendum

It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. Unless there’s a gas leak.

Bad Review

I don’t care if this makes me look like a schmuck, but for Dr. Seuss books I just don’t give a fuck.

A Little Help Here?

If life hands me a lemon, it also needs to hand me some sugar and water if I’m going to make lemonade. And some ice would be helpful too. And a pitcher and a few glasses. Come on life, do I have to take care of everything?


I closed the barn door after the horse was gone, and then I waited until the cows came home. And now I’m a little worried because I don’t live on a farm.


There’s no way to put into words how I feel about gibberish.


While you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, maybe your other sock will show up.

Not From The Stork

Why are little kids so interested in where babies come from? They should be asking, where does money come from?


I was at a restaurant one time and there actually was a fly in my soup. I sent the soup back immediately. I kept the fly though. Tastes like chicken.

Feeling It

This could be the start of something big. Or it could just be gas.

A Little More From The Bard

The lady doth protest too much, me thinks. Also me thinks she thinks I talk sort of weird.

Too Much Talent

I’m fluent in three languages, and flatulent in seven.

Art Notes

Picasso would often paint himself into a corner just to see if he could paint himself out of it.

Free Choice

Have you ever met a beggar who WANTED to be a chooser?

Mightier Than The Pen

Do you realize that if Shakespeare had had a computer, he would have had nowhere to plug it in?

Down On The Farm

I wanted to become an organic farmer until I found out it didn’t involve growing body parts.


I don’t like to brag, but even as a student I was in a class all by myself. I think it was called detention.

Cat Nipped

I’m not letting the cat out of the bag until he gives me back my tongue.

Hell Of A Time

Between the devil and the deep blue sea seems like a fun place to go on vacation.


A little birdie told me. But if I were you I wouldn’t trust him. He told me worms taste good.

Bad Odds

My wife told me she never found a needle in a haystack, but she once went on a hayride with a prick.

Buzz Off

I always hated spelling bees. Insects that are smarter than me I find very annoying.


If you can’t be the best, at least try not to be so so-so.


A sadist told me some of his best friends were black and blue.


Sometimes people say things just to get my goat. Like, “I’ll give you a thousand dollars for that goat.”

How He’s Doin’?

Call me a nitpicker, but I don’t think someone should be listed in grave condition unless they’re actually dead.

Fool Me More Than Once

I actually like trick questions. That way when I give the wrong answer, I have a good excuse.

Bright Side of The Dark Side

My life is no picnic, so I don’t mind that there’s a cloud over my head all the time.


I always blamed myself for my parents’ divorce. Which is silly, since they were never even married.

Personal Taste

Some people like to push the envelope. I just like to lick.

Tough Climb

I couldn’t even work my way up the corporate step-stool.

Just Ask Them

What if your bygones don’t want to be bygones anymore?

More Grammar Policing

The difference between you and I is that I know that you should say between you and me instead of between you and I. You got that? I hope so.


If you’re going to tell Mrs. Dumpty the news about her husband, be sure to break it to her gently.

Small Favors

Thank God for my peanut allergy. It’s the only thing keeping me from the nut house.

Dr. Maestro

If Rossini had been an orthodontist, he could have worked on the William Tell overbite.

Such A Deal

Sorry, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. But having brunch is like getting breakfast and lunch both for half price.

More Deep Thoughts

Does whoop ass also come in a bottle?

Close To Bliss

I’d be so happy if I could ever finish anything I sta

My Mundane Moniker

Not only was Gunga Din a better man than I am, he had a much cooler name.

Bottom Secrets

I’d like to tell you where the bathroom is, but I’m not privy to that information.

Ah, The French

How do you say Jerry Lewis in French? Dieu.


Oh sure, it’s all fun and games until someone gets an eye put out. Then it’s look-like-a-pirate day!

Flatulence Math

If you cut a fart, do you end up with two farts?

Ask Me If I Care

Every time someone tells me about their bucket list, I want to take that bucket and throw up in it.

Such Sweet Sorrow

Little known historical fact: Moses always had trouble parting his hair.

Even More Bard

I have stage fright. And all the world’s a stage. Thanks, Shakespeare. You bastard.


I may not be a rocket scientist, but I do wear thick glasses. Does that count for anything?

Just Asking

If someone who uses a wheelchair becomes an alcoholic, do they join a twelve-ramp program?

Cat Talk

If you can’t say anything nice about cats, they don’t care.


Okay, Thomas Edison was a pretty good inventor, but he doesn’t hold a candle to the person who invented the snooze alarm.

Not Yum

Every time I get into a food fight, the food wins.

What’s In A Name

Is it just a coincidence that Yo-Yo Ma plays a string instrument?

Old At Heart

There’s nothing more pathetic than a young fuddy-duddy.

Follow The Rules

As my Uncle Vito use to say, rules of thumb were made to be broken.

Don’t Play Ball

The old-timers’ game was called on account of no one could remember what inning it was.

Old Jokes Medley

A farmer’s daughter walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Okay, but you’ll have to sleep with a priest and a rabbi first.”

The Apprentice

I really don’t know the first thing about arson, but I’m willing to burn.

Heavy Reading

If you’ve never read Jean-Paul Sartre’s classic tome, Being and Nothingness, don’t worry. You can probably still think up your own reasons to commit suicide.

The Unkindest Cut Of All

Little known fact: Edward Scissorhands died masturbating.

Panned Out

Never never land is never as never as you think it is.


I was tossing and turning all night. When I got up I had a salad for breakfast. Is that weird?

Tech Warning

Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

The Pirate Life

Another good thing about being a pirate, you don’t have to worry about anyone calling you a goody two-shoes.

Same Old Same Old

Hey, psychos, getting tired of the same old grind? Stop putting your victims in the wood chipper.

Love And Marriage

When they got divorced he said to her, “What happened? I thought we were in love.” She said, “No, sorry, we were only in cahoots.”


If it wasn’t for my short attention span, I could have

Butt Seriously

They told me I could only be the butt of the joke if I had a wise crack.


If you want to instill some discipline in your cows, make them sit there till you come home.

Sing, Sing, Sing

If you believe in the existence of a just and caring God, how do you explain the invention of the karaoke machine?


Everyone always told me I was the spitting image of my Uncle Phlegm.

The Friendly Skies

I was a little nervous on my last flight. One of the flight attendants told me he was in the full upright position.

Down There

Ladies, if you get an infection in your private area, that’s the yeast of your worries.


Great behinds stink alike.

Food Fight

If there had been fanatical vegetarians in the fifteenth century, would there have been a Spinach Inquisition?


If you don’t see what you’re looking for, maybe you don’t need anything.

Guest Surprise

People call me a party pooper just because I left a floater in the punch bowl.

That’s Entertainment?

Okay, so the French love mimes and the comedy of Jerry Lewis. That’s not so bad, is it? Yes, it’s bad. It’s really, really bad.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Uncontrollable flatulence is a serious problem. Controllable flatulence, on the other hand, is a real talent.

Final Business

My only request for my funeral is that I be the one to scatter the ashes.

On The Road

If someone flips me the bird when I’m driving, I wait for an opportune moment and then crap on their windshield.

In The Woods

If a tree gets a massage in the forest, is there a sappy ending?


I actually enjoy putting my foot in my mouth. What I don’t like is when I say the wrong thing.


Call me a dreamer, but it seems to me that we should be able to freeze our farts and store them to meet our future energy needs.


Why are finger sandwiches perfectly acceptable, but knuckle sandwiches are frowned upon?


If you open up a can of worms, what kind of wine should you serve?

Slumber Party

If there’s one thing I never get tired of, it’s sleep.


When life hands me a lemon, I don’t make lemonade. I trade it for a lime and make a gin-and-tonic.


Man who has tiny worm should not go fishing for compliments.

More Grammar Cop

Who would’ve thunk it? Probably someone who flunked freshman English.


I never learned to read music, but I’ve always enjoyed listening to the dictionary.

Van Gogh

It’s too bad Van Gogh didn’t have any friends, didn’t know any Romans, and wasn’t on very good terms with his countrymen.


I walked a mile in my shoes today. Now I finally know what it’s like to be me.


I don’t know much about math, but I know I’ve never seen pie squared.


When I was a little kid I wasn’t very educated, but I had sidewalk smarts.


Is it almost over if the fat lady hums?


You don’t have to be a squirrel to spend most of your waking hours handling your nuts, but it does give you a legitimate excuse.

Thanks, Doc

My therapist told me, if I look like a duck, and walk like a duck, and quack like a duck, I’m making progress.


There is one thing up with which I will not put.  And that is a stickler for grammar.

At The Movies

I know you’re not allowed to yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater. Is yelling “Free popcorn!” okay?

Good Advice

In case of fire, don’t break wind.


Call me an atheist, but if I’m flying somewhere I’ll take two wings over a wing and a prayer every time.


Where have I been all my life?

Great Debate

I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Or you can go fuck yourself.

The Routine

I like to start the day off right by staying in bed.


I’d rather have a three-legged dog than a four-legged cat.

Words To Live By

My mantra has always been, “try not to repeat yourself”.

Medical Update

I hope they never find a cure for sick jokes.


Animal, mineral and vegetable. Those were my romantic options in high school.


Someday I’d like to run amok, or maybe even a small country.

Equine Elegy

You can’t beat a dead horse for attracting flies.

More From The Bard

Life is a tale told by an idiot – full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. And that’s the GOOD news.


Apparently a lot of pirates became pretty damn successful without having a firm handshake.

Letter Of The Law

It can’t possibly be legal that you can get tit for tat.

More Shakespeare

Brevity is the soul of wit. Let me rephrase that. Brevity.


It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Ride

If you’re going to drive me up a wall, at least let me put my seat belt on.

Good Grammar

If ya gotta dance with the one that brung ya, let’s hope it’s an English teacher.

The Whiner

Some men see things as they are and ask why. I see things as they are and ask why me.

Pooper Scooper

The worst part of picking up my dog’s poop is knowing that she knows that I know the she knows that I’m picking up her poop.


A coffin? That’s the last thing I need.


When I was a kid our dog died, and my parents flushed it down the toilet. I blame myself. I was the one that named her Goldie.


I went to dinner at my buddy’s house. Later that night I had uncontrollable diarrhea. With friends like that, who needs enemas?

Doctor, Doctor

If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call your doctor. And tell her to bring a couple of friends.

Meeting The Bard

I saw Shakespeare in the Park last night. At least, he called himself Shakespeare. He was wearing tights and asked me if I wanted to see his bare bodkin.

Sartorial Question

If a person wearing a tuxedo has sex with someone they just met, is that considered casual sex or formal sex?

Bend Over

Never trust a doctor who wears mittens to do a prostate exam.

Off The Wall

Of course Humpty Dumpty jumped. People kept egging him on.


If I had my druthers, the first thing I would do is find out what druthers are.


I don’t get no respect ever since I stole Rodney Dangerfield’s catchphrase.

Proper Attire

Men who wear kilts shouldn’t use stilts.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Good food is just an excuse to drink good wine.


You know what would be nice? The Complete Works of Shakespeare translated into pig latin.

Bedtime Stories

A lot of parents read Good Night Moon to their children at bedtime. My parents read us Lord of the Flies.


Never trust a hooker who tells you she’s working her way through college. She’s probably better at math than you and is going to overcharge you.

Good Doc

One good thing about being a proctologist, you don’t have to worry too much about people wanting to poke their nose in your business.

School Days

I went to a pretty bad school. We use to line up in alphabetical disorder.


The Donners invited me over for dinner. I said, “Can I bring anything?” They laughed and said, “No, just yourself.”


One time I was so drunk, I spent the whole night trying to pick up women at the mini-bar in my hotel room.


If Kanye West’s wife asks him if he thinks her dress makes her butt look big, and he says no, does he end up sleeping on the couch that night?


I’m sorry, but it’s very difficult to believe that an omnipotent God could have designed the prostate.


If something good happens to you, do you gain sleep over it?


Meditation is a great way to sit around and waste time and not feel guilty about it.