Now Cut That Out

If you’re on a long losing streak, maybe you should stop trying to hedge your bets and just stick to hedging your hedges.

Something, Anyway

A lot of people tell me I’m not as bad as I look on paper.

Here To Help

You look like you could use a friend. Or a drink. Or even better, a friend who drinks.

Really Catchy

I hate having a tuna stuck in my head.

Karma

I went around, then I came around. The coming was better than the wenting.

Close Call

We almost ran out of cliches. Luckily, we had saved some for a rainy day.

Quiet

If opportunity comes knocking, don’t answer the door. It’s probably because she’s knocked up.

Far Enough

I would go to the ends of the earth for you, but I won’t jump off the edge.

Landslide

I was voted most likely to not vote.

Done And Done

I put up and I shut up. I like to cover all my bases.